I will be honest – I am very sick and feel cheated, wasting time and money after searching for my potential spouse through online dating. The problem is that majority of the people there seems do not serious enough to prepare for marriage, even for the girl.
All together, I meet five girls there and have met all of them face-to-face and although I have shared all my plan to go back to my home country, the type of lifestyle I want to live and so on, these girls seem just do not take me very seriously, although I have made sacrifice by visiting them multiple times (costing me air ticket about S$200), treating them and even in some cases also come to their church.
However, after those things they never replied. I visit the first one 4 times, coming to her church and meeting her cell group members, treating her but after a bit dispute about church doctrinal issue, she never came back. Never visit my church nor pay back to visit me in Singapore although she is already 31 now. Probably, she does not even intend to marry.
The other two made their decisions just after meeting me that they want someone whom they can visit quite often. So, in other words, they want someone from their city and not someone who is on different country. However, for them to make decision for such simple thing require 4 months and they made that after I have treated them. I will consider that as taking advantage.
The last two are the worst. One claim to be serious but then she mentioned that she will join exchange program to Holland for one year after 1 month we talked. How on earth she is serious when I cannot even meet her? The last one confessed to me that she is already building relationship with a guy whom she has not even met for 2 years but still searching me in online dating website and make decision I am not the one for her after talking for 2 days.
Although most of them said they are serious, but in action, they have not shown such seriousness. However, I decided that I will compose several criteria for testing. This criteria will be useful for guys like me who already have a plan for housing, future career and ability to feed at least 4 mouths.
First, I also have to tell readers about my philosophy of finding spouse. For me, finding spouse is not finding best friend. Some people may have this common myth that our spouse should be the person with whom we are most comfortable to talk about every our secret, struggle and plan. I am not buying into such fanciful criteria. Such role for me is reserved for God alone, not my parents, not my cell group friends and not my spouse.
This is for very simple reason – Each person is unique individual with their characters, beliefs, reasons, plans, weaknesses, abilities. And with such factors, each one of us have different expectation to each others and nothing we can do to change that for we cannot control other people’s mind.
That’s why, my criteria will be limited to find whether the girl has prepared for household duties in marriage. Here are the ways to test it:
1) After initiate conversation two or three times, break the contact
I suspect the majority of people in online dating website do not really seriously looking for marriage, even if they say so. If you are interested in a girl online and then declaring interest to her, you can have basic conversation about your background, job and family. That is fine, but after that, you should wait and refrain to contact her. If she never replied you anymore, you have saved your time for people who only want to share some problems freely without any obligation. If she is genuinely interested in you, she will put some effort to maintain the relationship.
2) Ask her what criteria she has for a spouse
For the people who plan to make major financial purchases such as house or vehicle, he will brainstorm his own needs and do thorough research about available options he has to fulfill those needs.
He will consider housing type, location of the house, access to the important places, price range and then making tangible estimation about the expected purchase. He will do this because this will cost him a lot of his time and money.
What is true for the house also will true for marriage which will affect the rest of your life. If the girl is seriously considering marriage, she should has certain estimation of what kind of husband she want. If the girl cannot answer clearly what criteria she has or if you think that her criteria is unrealistic (e.g. guy who can make me laugh all the times), unclear (e.g. someone who can accept me for what I am) and made up, just consider her as another boring person who is looking for someone to kill her time. She is not worthy of your time. Move on.
3) Test her whether she want to pay her share for date
After chatting for awhile, you will meet each others for hangout in the cafe, restaurant or amusement park. While there is a constant propaganda which was told by people around you to be gentlemen, we should be aware that this is evil world where people will take advantage of each others without even realizing it. Many people went for online dating for free dinner and movies. I suspect majority of us never even treat our best friend or our parents so why should we pay the bill for stranger we met 1 month ago? If she is serious enough to look for spouse, she will pay. Otherwise, just treat her as another freeloader.
4) Ask her whether she can do basic household tasks
Unless you are fine with two-income family with your children are put under stranger which you do not know in place you never go, then I will want to have wife as homemaker, not another colleague with whom we can share office work. Ask her whether she can cook and probe more what kind of dishes she can cook and how will she obtain and choose the ingridients. You will soon find out whether she is nutrition savvy or not.
Another important thing is whether she has a monthly budget and tracking of monthly expenditure. Ask her about the type of financial commitment she plan to make in the next 3-5 years, whether it is traveling plan or major expenses such as vehicle. Ask also what did she usually buy for entertainment (bags, shoes and clothes) and how often does she buy it.
If she does not do these two things, it is fine to break up with her already. For serious people will prepare whatever necessary for the thing he/she want and not just daydreaming or working in cubicle prison for corporation.
5) Talk about controversial issues and see how is her problem management
Unless you two come from exactly same occupation, same school, same university, same area (or city) and same church, there will be always disagreement among you. With divorce rate continue to skyrocket in advanced countries and with evil of no-fault divorce, it is worthed your time to test her reaction on certain issues which are divisive.
You should talk about gender role in society, church doctrine, family dispute, divorce, financial management and other type of controversial and relevant issues to both of you. This thing will need you to be well-informed and have solid reasons on your opinion. Then, try to convey your convinction to her and see her reaction.
If she throw her tantrum or immediately escape when you do this, treat her as potential divorcee. Do not waste your time. Move on.
These 5 criteria will save your time from potential freeloaders and divorcee which will ruin your life.