Good spouse vs good friend

I just have a conversation with church friend. Mostly, it is about the way by which we should find our spouse. My friend, like most people in my generation, think that we should search and befriend some girls as we are looking for our possible spouse among them. That’s why when I told him that I have well-defined criteria for a girl I want to pursue and then I make deliberate effort to approach that girl, he disagree with me and he told me that it would not work.

After some experiences with a lot of church friends and also people from online dating site, I am thinking he is partially right. It is not because he is right and I am wrong. Simply put, it is because I have very different viewpoint from most of my generation (I am talking about Gen-Y) in almost every way possible, including principle of church, society and family. I am finding that I am more critical to the authority and any kind of common practice and beliefs in our society compared to most of my peers.

In this case, I have different principle from what most of my generation believe. However, actually my principle is more consistent with most of human generation with the exception of this modern era. Most of our generation, probably getting it from romance in Hollywood or fairy tales movie, thinking that our spouse can and SHOULD become your best friend and ALSO best spouse.

He should be our good friend in the sense he/she need to share most of my core life principle, lifestyle (including the way to use of time and money), and personality (can hold good conversation). Additionally, our spouse need to have quality of Hollywood-like actors and actresses. For men, they need to be proficient in creative skills like music, joking, dance, magic, and so on. He also need to be able to cope with women’s hobbies like shopping, fashion and cooking and also have good career. For women, they need to be able to understand men’s hobbies like sport and video games and also able to manage her household.

Of course, everybody want to have such fanciful spouse and that’s why those kinds of people mostly only in the television. Often, we are faced with option – people that are your good friends are not necessarily good spouse and vice versa. Since the criteria of best friend are included same interests, values and lifestyles and and women and men have mostly different preferences on those things, your spouse mostly is NOT your best friend. Normally, our best friends are from same gender either our high-school friends or our siblings.

The criteria of best friend and best spouse often not mutually inclusive. Your best friend need to have same values, interests and lifestyles as you. But best spouse is completely different. In marriage, there are roles and responsibilities. Despite all talking about gender equality, I do not think any women will accept if their husband is continously unemployed or working only part-time job. And I think the men also the same as they will expect women to be proficient in domestic skills like budgeting, cooking and cleaning. These criteria are very different and completely unrelated.

Hence, if I have to choose between best spouse or best friend, I will choose good spouse. I do not expect my spouse to be naturally fond of sport or video game. I also will not expect her to share most of my principles related to church doctrines or politics (unless she is pastor, evangelist or politician, which is very unlikely). I also will not expect her to be able to talk fluently about latest computer technologies.

I think this principle is more realistic as most people lived before this generation also thought the same way. Marriage, until very recently, were mostly arranged by parents and bride and groom do not even meet each others before that! I think it is hardly they are best friend! And the marriage in ancient days obviously worked compared to current days when almost 50% of marriage ended in divorce.

So, I do not understand my generation with their method of finding the spouse. I do not want to compromise my principle as I think it is more realistic and reasonable than their fanciful expectation. So, it means I still need some time to find someone which can agree to this principle.

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About edwin2026

I am currently Indonesian expatriate working in Singapore, graduated from Nanyang Technological University with major in Computer Science in 2009. I am also working as software engineer, developing and maintaining systems for Singapore civil service. I write this blog to share to readers about my life principle on various aspects, like religion, politics, business, relationship, and technology. I am interested in alternative worldviews because I found that many things taught to us by establishments are not true and harmful. My dream is to become self-sufficient in food and energy. Hopefully, someday I can have my own fruit garden and my own power plant and able to sell my electricity to power company. I hope readers enjoy my blog.
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